(from the book Healing a Teen’s Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends and Caregivers by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.)

UNDERSTANDING THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

1. Acknowledge the reality of the death.

·        In order to move towards reconciliation, teenagers must, with time and gentle understanding openly acknowledge that someone they love has died and will not return.

·        Some teenagers will embrace the reality slowly and may even seem indifferent at times.  A full sense of loss does not come about until several months after the death and may not occur until much later.

·        As you talk with and listen to the teen, be honest about the nature and cause of the death – even if the death was violent or self-inflicted.  Teens can cope with what they know, not with what they don’t know.

2. Move toward the pain of the loss.

• This need involves the encouraging of the young person to embrace all the thoughts and feelings that result from the death.
• Keep in mind that the teen’s naturally strong resistance to mourning does not mean the teen isn’t hurting inside or isn’t capable of mourning with support and understanding.
• Teens often don’t articulate their feelings well.  They often do as much if not more of their mourning through behaviours rather than words.

3. Remember the person who died.

• Remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible.
• Process of beginning to embrace memories often begins with the funeral, which offers an opportunity to remember the person who died and affirm the value of the life that was lived.
• Photo albums and journal writings can be particularly helpful for the grieving teen.
• Keep in mind that remembering can be difficult, and involve painful memories as well as joyful ones.

4. Develop a new self-identity.

• Death of a loved one may cause an inner-crisis of identity (i.e. “Am I still an older brother even though my younger brother is dead?”
• Taking on a new role within the family can be painful, especially if that role was previously filled by the deceased.
• No one can “fill in” for the person who has died.  Don’t’ try to find a substitute father/best friend/grandparents, etc. for the teen, at least not in the early months after the death.  Supportive relationships, yes.  Replacements, no!

5. Search for meaning.

• When someone loved dies, we naturally question the meaning and purpose of life.
• Grieving young people may ask “How?” and “Why?” questions about the death: “How did it happen?” or “Why did this happen?” You can help by letting the grieving teen know that these kinds of questions are normal and important.
• Don’t try to answer all the teen’s questions about the meaning of life and death.  It’s OK – even desirable – to admit that you struggle with the same issues and that nobody knows all the answers.
• Teens sometimes act out their search for meaning.  Drunk driving and other behaviours that test their morality are all too common among grieving teens.  While in general you shouldn’t judge the ways in which the grieving young person searches for meaning, life-threatening behaviours obviously require intervention.

6. Continue to receive support from adults.

• The last and most important mourning need for teens is to receive ongoing support from adults.
• Grief is a process, not an even, and grieving young people will continue to need your support for weeks, months and years after the death and the funeral. 
• Unfortunately, our society places too much value on “carrying on” and “doing well” after a death.  So, many mourners are abandoned by their friends and family soon after the death.
• As they grow and mature developmentally, teens will naturally grieve the death on new and ever deeper levels.  This is called “catch-up mourning”.  If you can help the grieving teen mourn as the need arises (even years after the death), you will be helping him/her grow into a well-adjusted, loving adult.

Some other practical ideas to keep in mind:

• Grief does not move in predictable stages.
• Don’t expect the teen to mourn or heal in a certain way or in a certain time.
• Talk about death (it’s a fact of life and talking about it helps dissipate feelings of fear or horror and move towards accepting death as one more stage in the journey of life).
• Establish trust and confidentiality.  Then honour it.
• Listen without judging.
• Respect the teen’s wish not to talk about death.
• Pay attention to your nonverbal communication (looking the teen in the eye, nodding your head, keeping an open posture, and simply being present)
• Avoid clichés like:

Give it time.

Keep busy.

Be strong.

At least he didn’t suffer.

You’re young; you’ll get over this.

She lived a long life.

Try not to think about it.

You’ll become stronger because of this.

Be glad you had him as long as you did.

She wouldn’t have wanted you to be sad.

Life is for the living.

God only gives you what you can handle.

Now she’s in a better place.

This is a blessing.

Now you have an angel in heaven.

These clichés, though well-intended can hurt because they diminish the teen’s feelings and take away her right – and need – to mourn.

• Do say this:

I’m sorry.

I’m thinking of you.

I care.

I love you.

You are so important to me.

I’m here for you.

I want to help.

I’m thinking of you and praying for you every day.

I want you to know that I loved _____________.

• Use the name of the person who died.
• Allow the teen to cry.
• Ask to see photos.
• Mourn together.
• Be compassionate.
• Be genuine.
• Be the teen’s advocate.
• Talk with the teen about heaven.
• Use humour when appropriate to help lighten the mood.
• Be on the lookout for “red-flag” behaviours, including fighting/legal troubles, isolation from friends or family, chronic depression and low self-esteem, dramatic change in personality or attitude, inappropriate sexual behaviours, suicidal thoughts or actions, drug and alcohol abuse.
• Remember: one day at a time.
• Don’t be caught off-guard by “griefbursts” (sudden, unexpected strong bouts of sadness)
• Understand that teens don’t “get over” grief.  Rather they can be reconciled with and learn to live with their grief.
• Believe in the teen’s capacity to heal. 

“Why do you look for the living among the dead?  He is not here, but has risen.”

-Luke 24:5